Today was a shitty day.Posted: February 11, 2012
It’s my blog. I can bitch and throw a pity party if I want to. Not everyday is going to be positive and up lifting. Deal with it.
I woke up really sore. No real idea why. I did about half of my strength training before I threw in the towel because I was annoyed and not in the mood.
The main thing that made me a cranky bitch today was that we had the final meeting with the architect before the plans for the new building are submitted for approval. I hate him. He is the biggest asshole I have ever had to deal with. I hate the building. It looks like a barn/ cracker barrel and there is not one, ONE thing that I like about it. Inside or out. I was not included in the hiring of this dick face, nor the initial meetings with him, so it’s now way to late for anything to be done about my unhappiness with it. And honestly, I don’t think anyone but my mom gives a shit how I feel. I’m just expected to sign my life away to this business and pay off the debt that it will put us in for the next 30 years. Welcome to my life. I ended up refusing to go to the meeting because as already stated I HATE HIM AND THE BUILDING and no one listens to me any way, so why waste my time? Needless to say, there was a lot of tears and yelling that happened today.
Another thing hit me. I miss my house. It was a shitty little apartment but it was mine. It was my space and I truly loved it. It felt like home to me and yes i got bored and annoyed being there alone so often, but I was content. I got so depressed thinking about it today and just bawled my eyes out for hours. I never really grieved the loss of the physical house before, and for some reason it all hit me today. I dont want a new house/condo/apartment. I want my little place in the middle of a parking lot back, because it was MY house where I was finding myself and becoming and adult and figuring out life. Then, in an instant, it was destroyed without much say from me at all. Yes, I said they could tear it down, but lets be honest, it was going to happen regardless of what I said. I also wasn’t even here to see it be torn down. I had to go Philly to get my stupid passport reissued because it was charred in the fire. Now I’m stuck and today it really REALLY sucks
My birthday is a week from tomorrow and for the first time in my life, I don’t want to celebrate. I’m usually a huge birthday person, not only for me, but friends as well. This year, I have nothing to celebrate. 26. single. living with parents. hate job. hate life. married to training. can’t eat what i want if I were to go out and cant drink enough to make me try and enjoy it anyway. I would just prefer that everyone forget that it’s my birthday and let it pass quietly so I don’t feel ever worse about the state of my life. Yes, IM training is great and positive and a huge part of my life and yadda yadda yadda, but it’s not my life. I’m not good enough for it to be my life (also depressing) so i need to quit acting like it will fix everything. It wont. It’s separate. I’ll do it and then it’s over and then what? I’m afraid to think about that.
Ok. I just needed to vent a little. I only tell like 3 people about all this stuff and I can tell that they are sick of hearing me bitch about it, so I figured I’d come to my own little corner of the internet and get it off my chest. Please realize this is not a cry for attention or praise or up lifting comments. Honestly, in my current mood, anything nice said would probably tick me off. Also, no cause for alarm. Everyone has bad days. My life blows right now, I am more than entitled to mine. Tomorrow, I’ll go do my mini tri and be fine. I have to be. I don’t have a choice.